there is no way to describe how I feel. I don’t understand it really. It was kind of like I didn’t care about anything. It was as if I wasn’t comprehending what was happening around me. Yesterday was by far the worst day of my life. I have said that phrase numerous times, but this time it’s different. It was as if I was numb. I just kept getting bad news over and over and over. Somehow, I moved throughout the day as if the events weren’t actually happening. Today however it all hit me. Not this morning when I woke up, or when I was playing with the kids at the park, or even when I was laying in bed. No, it hit me when I was trying to comprehend more bad news. If you happen to be reading this post and are confused then this is what is happening:
- Some sort of sick terrorist bombed the finish line of the Boston marathon. I am thankful I have no direct family or friends who were injured in the attack. But I know people and have heard the horror stories. What hurts me most, is that an 8 year old boy lost his life. That is a little boy that had a whole life ahead of him. Yesterday morning he woke up expecting to spend a nice day in the city with his family, and now he’s gone. It sickens me to know there is someone out there that could think this is justifiable.
- On top of that, just an hour before the first bomb went off in Boston the Bank of America in my town was robbed. My mom and my sister happened to be in the parking lot. Again, thankfully both of them are fine. My mother being a strong willed woman refuses to let on that the event upset her. and my 9 year old sister, who has only recently begun to act more normally after a long difficult time with separation anxiety, is holding up he walls with “i’m fines”. I know it sounds like everything turned out fine but what you don’t understand is that with mia, this is all she needs to have happen in order for her to break. You may not notice it right away, the issues start out small, but eventually she may not be leaving my mom again.
- Sadly, yesterday my 91 year old great grandfather fell and hit his head. He was insisting that he was fine, that he only had a little cut and a bruise. But when he started acting funny to my Nana, she made him go to the hospital with her. The left side of his brain is hemorrhaging and there is not much they can do but watch it. Because of his age, surgery is dangerous so we have to wait and hope for the best. He is being watched. I am praying for him to be okay.
- If this wasn’t enough, it only gets better. About two weeks ago, on my birthday, my Nana Smith (my great grandmother) was brought to the hospital She has dementia and sometimes she refuses to ge out of her bed and eat and such. I guess this time was serious. They found that she was dehydrated and lacked a lot of nutrient They had to keep her there until she was completely stable, then two days latter she was moved to a rehabilitation center and has been there since. That is almost eleven days. I kept myself believing that she was in the hospital getting better and everything would be fine. But everything is not going to be fine. My mom told me tonight that she isn’t doing well. She won’t get up, she won’t eat, it is just like things were at home for her.
- This is sort of embedded in the previous post but I thought I would make another one. Its my guilt. I feel guilt for many things. I feel guilty that I was lucky enough to have my family be safe, that I can’t really do anything to help the victims, and the fact that it isn’t the most upsetting thing in my mind right now. I feel guilt that my mom and I seem to fight over everything and it’s my fault and the fact I can let that petty stuff get in between us, and I feel guilty because mia is my little sister and I am supposed to protect her and I am doing a horrible job. I feel guilty that I took my time with my papa smith for granted, how I would listen to his stories but not really listen to them. I feel guilty that I don’t know much about my Nana Smith and the fact that there isn’t anything I can do that would make her remember things. I feel guilty that it has taken this to all happen for me to realize all this. I also feel guilty that my nana has to run back and forth from hospital to hospital to take care of her dying parents. Its heartbreaking, I just want to help.
I don’t know if that is actually a lot or if I am just exaggerating the magnitude of the events.I don’t know why I was able to laugh around all day and play with the kids and feel as if it was just another day. I don’t know why it didn’t all hit me until I was making mac n’ cheese in the kitchen at 11:15 on a tuesday night. All I know is that at that moment I sat on the kitchen floor crying, trying to muffle my tears so that my mom wouldn’t be conserned. I want to be strong like her, she inspires me. I just sat there for a few seconds. In my heart I realized I needed one of those night I used to have. The ones where I cry myself to sleep and then my heavy eyelids stick together and its as if sleep is forced. There is no dreams, there are no nightmares, just sleep. The kind you need when thoughts are being processed. Now, I am going to go and do that but I know that I will be ok.
“everything is okay in the end, if it’s not okay, than it’s not the end.”